What did the grape say when the octopus squashed it?

Nothing, it just gave out a little wine!

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?

On squid row!

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?

I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

How does an octopus go to war?

Well-armed!

What do you call a neurotic octopus?

A crazy, mixed-up squid.

What does an octopus wear when it’s cold?

A coat of arms.

Captain Queeg goes into a harbor bar with his pet octopus and says “I’ll bet $50.00 that no one here has a musical instrument that this here octopus can’t play.”

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old mandolin. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes it, and starts playing a few choruses of “Rawhide.” Captain Queeg quickly pockets the fifty bucks.

The next bar patron comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its chops and starts playing “Stella By Starlight”. Yet another $50.00 is handed over to the smiling captain.

The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears into the back room, returning a few minutes later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the captain and his octopus,

“Now, I’ll bet you $100.00 your damn octopus can’t play that!”

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from a different angle and then starts the process over again.

Puzzled, the captain comes over to the octopus and says, “What are you waiting around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!”

“Play it, hell!” frowned the octopus. “As soon as I figure out how to get her pajamas off, we’re outta here!”

Back to octopus page

Pierre Denys de Montfort, 1810